i haven't wrote that often because i am just very lazy lol. i've been smoking and drinking diet coke a lot of the time, i also started re-watching sex and the city. i'm at school right now, on my spare. i wrote a poem(?) and i might publish it on here or my substack. idk maybe tumblr. i'm gonna be amy dunne from gone girl for halloween! i read the book about a year ago and i loved it. very long tho, took me a whole month! things are alright with him, its not perfect obviously. he doesn't know if he wants a relationship until after we meet. he says he likes me or at least he thinks he does. i'm afarid he truly is just using me for my body. i told him he can and that i want so i can't complain or get upset. i chose this. these are just the consequences. he is always busy which i hate. i just wanna meet him. i feel unlovable right now. i'm too weird for anyone. they all say they like weird but they don't. they think they do but they really don't. i'm always too weird. i'll never be normal i know that. and i'm okay with it i guess. i don't wanna be basic and boring but still i want to be treated like normal. i hate how they all treat me, how they see me. just a good body. they lust over me. no real feelings. they want to be with me but not the real me, just their pretend me. idolized version.