1:51 pm no school today ! i was gonna go to co-op to catch up on some missing hours but my boss said i can stay home. i've just been watching youtube and sleeping. the smell is becoming stronger. he won't let me clean it up so i have to just live with it. i've lost so much. but this is what i wanted i wanted to be under his control. i feel so sick. i've only had chocolate today. there are some guys fixing up our house and i'm too scared to go downstairs so i've just been cooped up in my room waiiting for today to end.
8:49 pm i really don't care what people say about me and him. i'm happy, thats all that matters. all the disgusting things i do is what i asked for. they don't understand. they'll never understand. i do everything for him, even if it strips me of my dignity. i don't care at all. not one bit. because i asked for this. i asked to be treated this way. i know i'm fucked up thats no surprise. anyone who knows me well enough knows im not mentally stable. i've never been normal. despite the things i've done i'm still happy and content. i finally feel alive. it feels right. anyway i started reading this manga called i love your cruddy by hanasaki manio. it's a girls love manga. i like reading fucked up manga. it's not as bad as they think it is. they all just have it wrong. he treats me better than any other guy i've spoken to. he holds me.