4:24 pm first day of winter and first day of winter break! i went to the mall this morning with my mom and her boyfriend, sometimes i get jealous of them because they are able to see each other so otfen but they constantly break up and get back together which isn't good. i kinda don't like breaks off from school because idk what to do lol. i started watching dexter! i like it so far. i painted my nails again like jennifer check from jennifers body! i'm tired sigh. all i can think about is sex. rough fucking sex and blood. lots of it. getting beaten and other things. this is wrong i know but i can't help it, it's what i want. i like this stuff. it makes me feel so alive, like truly fucking alive. but also not a human. maybe this is what being human feels like. we are so complicated who can ever truly know what it's like to be a person? we all have different ideas of it. i'll let him tear me to pieces if he wants. under his full control.