god i feel so fucking paranoid i hate this so fucking much. i really feel like he hates me he said he doesn't hate me and that he still likes me but i feel like something is off. we had a really good today together yesterday. i just can't shake the feeling that something is off. he said everything is ok but idk. i hope my worries aren't true. i really like him and i wanna keep talking to him i'm just so worried he doesn't feel the same way despite saying he does like me. i hate this so much. why does it have to be like this? it's only 8 am and i'm already sobbing. i had so many bad dreams last night about him leaving me and i just hope it wont come true.
despite my paranoia i still had a really good time. we made out a lot. we watched 2 movies together but i don't rly remember them that well lol. we smoked a bit too. we mostly just cuddled in his bed. it's too bad we live far away but the trip is worth it. his sister gave me a tattoo just a stick n poke she was super nice. it stung a bit obvi.
i took a clonazepam to hopefully stop my nonstop crying. (i'm crying rn) idk why its like this. i hate being fucking depressed. i hate being alive. i fucking hate it all. i want to die. i just want to stop having these thoughts and feelings. i want to be happy again. i want to forget everything i want to go back in time and just kill myself when luke told me to. so many bad things could've been prevented. i know it's selfish but i just don't care, this is MY LIFE not anyone elses. i know they will miss me but none of them will ever feel this pain to this extent. being dead would be better for me than being alive and having to live here in this fucking hellhole. this is hell. it doesn't appear after you die. we're already suffering. we are being punished. all of us. and there's nothing we can do about it.